Reverse Sundowners

Most days I wake up going 100mph. This has a strain on my personal and professional relationships. My wife likes to call it Reverse Sundowners, because I generally get better as the day goes on. Some days, though, this is not the case. Today has been one of those rare cases where I cannot stop my mind, my mouth, or my emotions. It is nearing midnight and I'm ready to set the night sky ablaze and breathe smoke like some weak ass, white boy dragon. I am hoping that venting here will help me shake this shit off tonight. Because on days like this, I tend to lash out at people. Or feel ignored. I take things personally, directly, and without reasonable thought for doing so. This might narcissism or maybe I have some serious fucking trauma, but I care little enough for my physical self that I don't care fully that all of my emotional or psychological needs are met. That is why I scream into the void that is the internet. That is why I vague post. If you think you are happy. truly happy, I am happy for you. But somedays, like today, I wish it would all just burn. 

What do I mean by 100mph? It means I roll out of bed, fully conscious, no hypnagogic sleepiness; just fully awake. This also means that my mind is already rolling faster than projector reel in a theater. I might also feel agitated for no reason. Even if I get a full night's rest, I might wake up angry and flustered. Confused as to why the world dared start moving without me. Or more like, how dare I be lazy enough not to be ready for the day. And the day will go with me getting silently angry with everything, everyone, every time. Until it explodes, much like this, onto paper. Therapy only helps so much, right? We have to learn to let shit go before it consumes us. I have a horrible habit of being consumed by the people and things that I love. Almost to the point of losing myself. But what are but the amalgamated pieces of everything and everyone we ever had an experience with? 

I don't much remember or care where I was going with this, so I will leave with a poem by Robert Frost. Sure, it was used in the most recent Ghostbusters movie, but I don't care. Frost knew his shit. I'd be just as good going out in fiery crash of desire and pain as I would be in a cold, hateful embrace of darkness.

Tomorrow might be a better day. We will see, won't we?

Fire and Ice by Robert Frost
Some say the world will end in fire,
Some say in ice.
From what I’ve tasted of desire
I hold with those who favor fire.

But if it had to perish twice,
I think I know enough of hate
To say that for destruction ice
Is also great
And would suffice.

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